Growing Up

Why do we love people so much?

How can it be that the feeling of someone's arms around you sends your heart racing?

A kiss lurches your stomach in a really interesting and good way.

And how come it takes so long to move on from that person?

Why do you have to move on at all?

You planned your future with this person, but then things change, and they change and you find yourself in a situation where you have to say good bye.

Why does that hurt so incredibly much?

How can you be so mad at someone, and still want to be with them?

Except really there's nothing you can do to change their mind once it's made up, and you just have to let them go.

You're scared to let go too quick, because what if they come back to you? And someone else comes along, but you just can't do it yet. You're not ready.

He touches you, and all you want is for him to let go, because it's just weird and uncomfortable. All you want is that other person back.

I'm not holding my breath waiting. I'm holding up fine, do you believe me?

Most days I'm happy and busy and I can laugh, you know. I'm not afraid to have fun without him. I have my own life now. And he has his.

We have fun together, even now, even though we are "just friends."

But I still love his hugs. I still love his smile.

Except, you know, it's a brand new day today. And I'm going to be okay.

I have lots more good days than I do bad ones, but I feel like I'm still allowed to have bad days. I'm still allowed to miss him more than words can say. I still cry sometimes, you know? I still get upset when I think what was and what we had planned, and how we were.

I think he got too stressed out. About everything. And even though I tried, I don't think I helped him relax at all.

Not dating is something that is good for us, and I hate to admit it, but it's probably one of the best decisions I made.

I hurt and I ache and I feel. But I feel human, do you even know what that's like? I don't feel like I have to be anything for him anymore. I don't feel like I have to keep stuff in check just so that I don't piss him off anymore. I'm free to be myself, and I love being myself!

I do what I want, when I want, and I don't have to report to him. I go places and do things and buy stuff. I go out to eat. With my friends. With my friends!!

I had to fall down to build myself back up. You have to be broken before you can be fixed. And I am so broken.

Do you ever notice how after you cry, you feel a lot better? Especially if you're crying while you're writing, and then once you write through everything, it's like this weight just gets lifted off of you?

I have to write through my feelings, I have to put them out there, wear my heart on my sleeve or I am never going to feel better. I will never get over this.

I have to tell you that I don't want to move on! I don't want to date someone else for a very long time. I wanted to marry Prince Charming someday, I really did. And for a while, he wanted that too. And now, now I don't know what he wants. I don't need to know what he wants.

I don't want him to date anyone but me. I want to be his only girl for a long time. It would kill me if he started to see someone else. Partly that is because he has more of me than any other person, he knows me better than anyone else. The thought of finding someone else to do that scares me.

He was jerk the last couple of weeks we were together. And he was a jerk this summer too. Things got better the last part of the first semester, and things were great through Christmas break, but he did not treat me like he loved me when we started school back up in January.

But he's changed since we broke up. He's not a jerk anymore. He's back to being that guy that I liked so much, but we can't be together anymore. Because he is that guy, and he also isn't. I'm that girl, and also I'm not.

We met at ages 18 and 19, and now we are 20 and 21. We changed a lot, and we still have changing to do. And even though I miss him and I miss everything we once had, I'm learning to live my life without him.

I still talk to him, a lot. Probably more than I should, but he does have this way of making me feel better.

He told me not to wait for him. He told me he might not come back. It hurts to hear that from him. I want to hear that he loves me and just needs time to be himself, but actually hearing that is going to help me move forward.

Heartbreak is never easy. Separation is always difficult.

But at the end of the day, I know I'm going to be alright. I have lots of people who do love me and care about me and will always be there for me no matter what. And even though I wish with all my heart that he could be one of those people too, only time will tell.

Taking Back My Life

Today I cleaned my room. I haven't done much of anything for a little over a week besides moping around forlornly and weeping before bed. I have been miserable. Yesterday was a little better on the misery scale, but then I was talking to my cousin, and after not crying all day I sobbed a little bit while I was washing dishes at work.

But she helped me see some things. She talked to me about her past breakups and told me how she had felt which matched exactly perfectly to how I am feeling. Even though I cried, after our conversation I felt a lot better.

And then I posted on facebook about how I briefly considered switching schools, and Missile's boyfriend talked to me for probably an hour about it. He has been talking with Prince too, and while we didn't dwell on Prince, some of the things that he told me made me feel a lot better about this whole situation.

I'm focused too much on Prince Charming. Entirely too much. I would just sit and worry that he's moved on. That he's forgotten. I was letting that drag me down, unable to forget about him in everything that I do. I've been with him so long, he's really all I know. It's hard to picture my life without him, but right now what I need to be doing is focusing on myself.

My cousin suggested that I go out and do something for me. I think one of my aunts suggested that too. So today I went and got my hair cut. It's shorter than I usually go, but it was good. It was a good feeling. Like starting over. It was like removing that extra hair also helped me remove that person who I was when I was with Prince so that now I can figure out who I am.

I was just repeatedly beating myself up for what happened. I didn't want it to happen, and I kept wishing that I could change it. I still kind of wish that I could, but I know that I can't. I don't have to forget about Prince Charming, I don't have to leave him in the dust, but I do need to quit making him the center of everything because he isn't anymore. I am. I am the center because it's my life.

I googled churches in Moscow, and I think I found one that I am going to on Sunday. It's an Assemblies of God church, and they not only meet on Sunday mornings, but there is a college youth group that meets on campus every Wednesday. I want to go and see if there are any small groups to get plugged into, because I think that would help tremendously.

And tonight, I am getting dressed up and going out with the girls. That should help take my mind off of things too, so that I can allow myself to move forward with my life. I don't regret spending this last week in agony though, because I think I needed it. I think I just needed to take some time and grieve for all of the things I lost when I walked out of the door, for all of the things that I wished I had when I was in the relationship and never got, and for all of the good things that I did have with Prince.

But now, now it is definitely time to pick up the pieces and step forward. I don't think everyday is going to be happy, happy, happy, but I've got to start somewhere, and I pick today.

I Hate February

Have I ever told you how much I hate Valentine's Day? Prince and I never did anything big for it, and I really think it's kind of a pointless holiday.

And now, this month, I have no valentine.

Prince and I have decided that we need a month with no communication. No talking, no seeing each other. I believe with all my heart that we need to do this. We need to have our own lives apart from each other because while we were together everything was so wrapped up in everything else that we were no longer our own selves.

But as much as I believe that being apart will make us stronger people, it does not make me happy that this particular month of no contact has to fall right around Valentine's Day while everyone else is starry eyed and lovey dovey.

It hurts to look at all the red heart shaped balloons. All the candy and the cards. All the flowers. I've never received flowers. For anything. From anybody. I hoped this year maybe Prince would pull the stops and do something fun, but since what happened, that's not really an option.

It's been almost a week since we broke it off, and while Prince is outwardly alright, I feel like I'm struggling to do the same. It's up to me to just decide that I want to be over it - but I don't want to be at the same time that I do. I miss him a lot.

We talked yesterday for the last time until March 1st. He told me basically the same thing that everyone else has been saying. "It will be okay" "You're going to be fine" "It just takes time" "Go do stuff that you love!"

And everyone is right, you know. I will be okay. It is going to be fine. I just need time. But the whole doing stuff that I love to do is a hard one. Because what I love to do is be his girlfriend. I love that feeling of taking care of someone and having them take care of you. And when I go out and do fun things, I just wish that I could share all that fun with him and it makes me sad that he's not there.

Taking a month apart will be good in ways that I don't even know yet. But it will allow me to plan my life around things other than Prince Charming. It will allow me to make my own decisions and live my own life and see what God has planned for ME and just me and nobody else. And it is my sincerest wish that Prince Charming takes this month to do exactly the same thing - make his own decisions and live his own life and see what God has planned for HIM.

But as for Valentine's Day, I still don't want to see red heart shaped memorabilia in every store I walk into. Maybe that means I should just quit shopping.

The End Of Something Beautiful

Two years is a long time to be together with someone. It's a lot of memories. A lot of shared happiness. A lot of Red Robin Burgers. Bonzai burgers are my favorite.

You know, I have been mostly happy these last two years. Most of the time was filled with smiles and goofy faces. We loved to laugh. And I loved to watch him smile. I loved his laugh when it came from his belly when something was especially funny.

Prince Charming was my first of the real boyfriends. For a long time I thought he would be my only. For a long time I thought that. He used to ask me to marry him, you know. I remember the fourth of July, laying side by side on my front lawn, he whispered it into my ear. And I just wish I could have stayed there forever.

I remember crying when I found out my grandpa died, and Prince burst back into the room and scooped me up valiantly into his arms.

He was such a good boyfriend.

And then something changed. We changed. Time changed. Thing haven't been what they were in that starry eyed beginning, and that's to say that things never are the same as in the beginning. There's just something special about a new relationship. A new adventure.

We passed the two year mark after almost not making it back in November. But things were never the same. During Christmas break my Prince Charming was the most Charming he'd been in a long time, and then we got back to Moscow for school, and Moscow is a big vat of suck.

Prince wouldn't tell me he loved me. I had to argue with him over a simple goodbye kiss, because he just didn't want to do it. I didn't understand. I was trying to be a good girlfriend, but it was continually getting harder and harder.

And today, today I confronted him. My heart was racing. I didn't go into the conversation with the intent to end the relationship, but Prince Charming has told me things and not told me things that you should never or should always tell your girlfriend.

And also, I felt in second place a lot lately to other girls in his life. I don't think I should feel that way.

But also until this evening I had felt there was some semblance of hope lurking on the horizon. Maybe we could make this work. Maybe it wasn't as bad as it really might be. I tended to downplay a lot of what happened, a lot of how I was feeling these past few weeks. Mostly because when I thought there was hope, I didn't want things to sound worse than they really were.

And then Prince said something that he can't take back. When I asked him why he didn't kiss me anymore, he told me it was because he didn't enjoy it. And that right there was the straw that broke the camel's back. How can you be in a relationship with someone you don't enjoy being around?

That just hurt. That hurt so deep that I just ended the relationship on the spot. It was over. I was done. I am not going to be in a romantic relationship with someone who does not enjoy kissing me, holding me, hugging me or telling me he loves me. That's not fair to me. I deserve someone who will make me feel like I am first place. Who will text me "Good night. I love you" instead of just "Night"

I want someone who loves me too.

I'm not mad at Prince Charming - even though I am extremely heartbroken. Extremely. I feel like he did a lot of things wrong, but I don't feel like I am perfect either. I think maybe we could possibly potentially be friends in the future, but I need some time to grieve for my lost relationship before I let him back into my everyday life. And also, I want him to make the first move towards that because I'm done pushing for a relationship.

I know Prince cares. I know that because he was upset when I called it off. He cried. But the problem is that that's the first real emotion I've seen from him in a while. And that's not okay.

Will we get back together? I don't feel like that's likely right now. I'm not holding my breath like last time waiting for this to all be over so I could have my boyfriend back. I'm upset. I'm frustrated at how I was treated. But I will be okay.

Eventually.

It's Time For Bed

I am super duper beyond tired. I'm so tired, that I'm not tired, do you know what I mean? And, plus, as an added bonus, my feet are killing me. Slow, painful death. I need those things that rub your feet because Prince-y won't always do that. And I don't expect him to.

This past week was really rough though, and tomorrow is Monday and I don't want Monday to come. Which is why I'm still up. Because I don't want it to be tomorrow. Even though I'm exhausted.

This semester is going to be the death of me. Of my feet. Of my bank account. Of my sanity. I promise you, I will want to pull out all my hair before spring break even peaks it's ugly little taunting head around the corner. I will throw my shoe at it. And cross my fingers that it gets hurt.

I don't really want to be here, you know, in Moscow. Anymore. I'm almost counting down days until I get to move back to Coeur d'Alene. I'm at least counting down semesters. Three. Including this one. Hopefully. I'm nervous to graduate you know, and get out into the 'real world' and not have to be a student every day of my life anymore. I'm nervous because I don't really know what will happen. But also excited because it will be something different.

I wonder what will my life be like. Will I even be with Princey then? Will we even be friends? Things have been rough and then better and then rough and then a lot better and then kind of rough again, but really only rough when we're in Moscow (and in the case of last summer, camp too) but I think it stems from all the stress and ugliness that is held here. And I can't wait to get away from it.

I've thought about transferring schools, but I really honestly think I will graduate faster if I just stay at the school I'm currently enrolled in. Which is mildly depressing, but whatever. We don't always get what we want.

But I was scrolling through my blog posts from 2008 and 2009 and I really kind of wish I was back there. 2009 anyway. The second half. Life was good. I didn't hate near as many things as I hate now. And that was back when Prince Charming liked to tell me he loved me every day. Now I maybe hear it once or twice a week. What's up with that?

You know though, I have discovered something, that for all our stresses and minor petty arguments, what we've really just lost sight of is making God the center of our relationship. And I think if we can figure out how to get more focused on Him, then things for us will improve immensely, you know? It's not like we've completely forgotten about Him, we've just put him on the back burner, which is so not okay.

We need to find a church in Moscow. Like, really, really badly.