Growing Up

Why do we love people so much?

How can it be that the feeling of someone's arms around you sends your heart racing?

A kiss lurches your stomach in a really interesting and good way.

And how come it takes so long to move on from that person?

Why do you have to move on at all?

You planned your future with this person, but then things change, and they change and you find yourself in a situation where you have to say good bye.

Why does that hurt so incredibly much?

How can you be so mad at someone, and still want to be with them?

Except really there's nothing you can do to change their mind once it's made up, and you just have to let them go.

You're scared to let go too quick, because what if they come back to you? And someone else comes along, but you just can't do it yet. You're not ready.

He touches you, and all you want is for him to let go, because it's just weird and uncomfortable. All you want is that other person back.

I'm not holding my breath waiting. I'm holding up fine, do you believe me?

Most days I'm happy and busy and I can laugh, you know. I'm not afraid to have fun without him. I have my own life now. And he has his.

We have fun together, even now, even though we are "just friends."

But I still love his hugs. I still love his smile.

Except, you know, it's a brand new day today. And I'm going to be okay.

I have lots more good days than I do bad ones, but I feel like I'm still allowed to have bad days. I'm still allowed to miss him more than words can say. I still cry sometimes, you know? I still get upset when I think what was and what we had planned, and how we were.

I think he got too stressed out. About everything. And even though I tried, I don't think I helped him relax at all.

Not dating is something that is good for us, and I hate to admit it, but it's probably one of the best decisions I made.

I hurt and I ache and I feel. But I feel human, do you even know what that's like? I don't feel like I have to be anything for him anymore. I don't feel like I have to keep stuff in check just so that I don't piss him off anymore. I'm free to be myself, and I love being myself!

I do what I want, when I want, and I don't have to report to him. I go places and do things and buy stuff. I go out to eat. With my friends. With my friends!!

I had to fall down to build myself back up. You have to be broken before you can be fixed. And I am so broken.

Do you ever notice how after you cry, you feel a lot better? Especially if you're crying while you're writing, and then once you write through everything, it's like this weight just gets lifted off of you?

I have to write through my feelings, I have to put them out there, wear my heart on my sleeve or I am never going to feel better. I will never get over this.

I have to tell you that I don't want to move on! I don't want to date someone else for a very long time. I wanted to marry Prince Charming someday, I really did. And for a while, he wanted that too. And now, now I don't know what he wants. I don't need to know what he wants.

I don't want him to date anyone but me. I want to be his only girl for a long time. It would kill me if he started to see someone else. Partly that is because he has more of me than any other person, he knows me better than anyone else. The thought of finding someone else to do that scares me.

He was jerk the last couple of weeks we were together. And he was a jerk this summer too. Things got better the last part of the first semester, and things were great through Christmas break, but he did not treat me like he loved me when we started school back up in January.

But he's changed since we broke up. He's not a jerk anymore. He's back to being that guy that I liked so much, but we can't be together anymore. Because he is that guy, and he also isn't. I'm that girl, and also I'm not.

We met at ages 18 and 19, and now we are 20 and 21. We changed a lot, and we still have changing to do. And even though I miss him and I miss everything we once had, I'm learning to live my life without him.

I still talk to him, a lot. Probably more than I should, but he does have this way of making me feel better.

He told me not to wait for him. He told me he might not come back. It hurts to hear that from him. I want to hear that he loves me and just needs time to be himself, but actually hearing that is going to help me move forward.

Heartbreak is never easy. Separation is always difficult.

But at the end of the day, I know I'm going to be alright. I have lots of people who do love me and care about me and will always be there for me no matter what. And even though I wish with all my heart that he could be one of those people too, only time will tell.

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

Today was difficult. So was yesterday. This weekend was fine. I was busy, I was hanging out with friends, I got all dressed up for a night on the town with the girls. All that stuff kept my mind going.

I feel like during the school week is when it's most difficult. I just want to talk to him and be next to him. I want to know if he misses me, but truthfully no one knows and I'm scared to ask him. My worst fear is that he'll start dating someone else.

I know a few of you just rolled your eyes and mentally willed me to put on my big girl panties and quit caring, but regardless of what you think a couple weeks is not enough time for me to quit caring about someone that I really never thought I would ever be apart from.

My heart just hurts. Some days more than others, and while I am trying to focus on not making him the center of my life anymore sometimes that means I have to chant to myself that I don't need him over and over again on my way to class. And then it just gets thrown into the bucket when I see a mutual friend. A flood tide of emotions just overwhelms me.

I wish I could just take a week off. No school, no work, nothing, and just leave this place. Or if I could sit down and talk to Prince face to face and get everything out of my system. But I just can't do either of those things. Prince doesn't want to see me for a month. Fine. I will try to respect his wishes. But let the record show that I am a happier person when we are together.

And what I really honestly need to just figure out is how to be happy without him. Because I don't know yet how to do that. When I'm busy and with friends my mind doesn't dwell on him. But the second I'm back in my dorm room, well, all bets are off.

At this point, instead of talking to Prince Charming when I miss him I've converted a notebook and just write him letters there. I haven't decided if it's helping me or hurting me yet. I think helping, because then I don't talk to him and I have a place where I can just write how I feel without be judged or worrying about spelling or grammar or tear stains.

But, as much as I wish I could go back in the past and undo what was done, I have to find some way to move on and move past this. I just can't honestly imagine feeling the same way about someone else as I do for Prince. Whether he realizes it or not, I really do still love him and I wish with all my heart that he still loved me too.

One Week

Last Wednesday I woke up after having some very bad dreams about Prince Charming, and then I read a text from him telling me good morning and wishing me luck on my first day of teaching.

This morning I woke up after some very good dreams about Prince Charming to no good morning text from anyone, and my stomach is in knots.

It's been one week since I told Princey goodbye. And yesterday and today I woke up with the worst stomach aches wishing that he would just hold me and play with my hair and make it all better. But that's not going to happen. Not anytime soon.

I can't help but ache for his presence. I want him to be around. I want him here, with me. I don't know what he wants, I don't know if he misses me. I don't know if he aches for me. But I wish he did.

Today I am nervous to teach. We are going on a field trip, and I don't really want to keep track of thirty plus students. I feel like today is going to be exhausting. I really wish today that I had someone to come home to who would love on me and tell me everything is okay.

I've been thinking a lot about Prince Charming, it's like I can't NOT think about him. Everything reminds me of him. And then I wonder if the same things go through his mind?

Also, I think you guys are probably tired of all of my posts just being about my break up, but writing is therapeutic for me. It's how I process. And this month is going to be difficult and filled with all sorts of posts I think. I think there will be sad ones and angry ones and there will probably be a lot of those before I can write happy ones. I don't know what this month is going to hold for me, but right now all I feel is heartache and sadness that I no longer share my life with someone who is so important to me.

And I want to thank everybody who has given me advice, or been there to listen to me cry, or sent loving words or encouragement. You all have helped tremendously and I really appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you all.

I Hate February

Have I ever told you how much I hate Valentine's Day? Prince and I never did anything big for it, and I really think it's kind of a pointless holiday.

And now, this month, I have no valentine.

Prince and I have decided that we need a month with no communication. No talking, no seeing each other. I believe with all my heart that we need to do this. We need to have our own lives apart from each other because while we were together everything was so wrapped up in everything else that we were no longer our own selves.

But as much as I believe that being apart will make us stronger people, it does not make me happy that this particular month of no contact has to fall right around Valentine's Day while everyone else is starry eyed and lovey dovey.

It hurts to look at all the red heart shaped balloons. All the candy and the cards. All the flowers. I've never received flowers. For anything. From anybody. I hoped this year maybe Prince would pull the stops and do something fun, but since what happened, that's not really an option.

It's been almost a week since we broke it off, and while Prince is outwardly alright, I feel like I'm struggling to do the same. It's up to me to just decide that I want to be over it - but I don't want to be at the same time that I do. I miss him a lot.

We talked yesterday for the last time until March 1st. He told me basically the same thing that everyone else has been saying. "It will be okay" "You're going to be fine" "It just takes time" "Go do stuff that you love!"

And everyone is right, you know. I will be okay. It is going to be fine. I just need time. But the whole doing stuff that I love to do is a hard one. Because what I love to do is be his girlfriend. I love that feeling of taking care of someone and having them take care of you. And when I go out and do fun things, I just wish that I could share all that fun with him and it makes me sad that he's not there.

Taking a month apart will be good in ways that I don't even know yet. But it will allow me to plan my life around things other than Prince Charming. It will allow me to make my own decisions and live my own life and see what God has planned for ME and just me and nobody else. And it is my sincerest wish that Prince Charming takes this month to do exactly the same thing - make his own decisions and live his own life and see what God has planned for HIM.

But as for Valentine's Day, I still don't want to see red heart shaped memorabilia in every store I walk into. Maybe that means I should just quit shopping.

Surprise Trip Home

I made a quick trip home today. You see, I was up late last night because even though my eyeballs were tired, my brain most certainly was not. My mind was going a million miles an hour, so to quiet it down I watched Teen Mom season 2 online episode after episode after episode until my laptop turned itself off because it over heated. I whimpered a little bit, and then decided it was probably God telling me I should just go to bed.

And then I woke up at 9:30. I was the only one awake, and consequently decided to indulge myself in more Teen Mom while I waited for other people's eyes to open and greet the day. It was 12:30 before anyone texted me, and then I was having a conversation with Prince Charming which was just making me all sorts of upset and sad so I texted my mom.

"I want to come home :("

And she said "Then do it! ;)"

So I did.

I had to get out of Moscow. Everything there just reminds me of him. And based on some things that he's said to me these past couple of feeling-exploration-adventure days where you admit in all honesty how you are feeling to try and work through some of these crazy emotions, I was just missing him too terribly much to bear to go through a day where I shouldn't see him. Where I couldn't see him.

It would just be easier if I could continue my schooling here at home, but none of my classes are online and therefore I must physically be present on campus to get stuff done for school. Major bummer at the moment.

But teary eyed and heaving sighs, I packed up my duffel bag and walked to my car. Whether or not it was the right move, Prince came out and hugged me good bye and told me to drive safe, and also to let him know when I was home so that he would know I was alive.

And then I left.

The drive from school to home is roughly two hours. I cranked up my Imperials music and cried for the first half of the drive. Big heaving sobs. I just had to let it all out, and being alone in my car without anyone else to feel obligated to hug me or give words of encouragement was actually something that I desperately needed.

After I finished crying my eyeballs out, I sang along with some of the songs and thought a lot about how this whole ordeal is really making me feel. It occurred to me that I didn't want to let Prince Charming go, and that last time I had these same feelings.

Which leads me to believe that maybe we aren't meant to be a part? But then I was also thinking, that it's not even been a whole week yet. I need to seriously give it time before I go jumping to conclusions. And also, I hadn't even slowed down enough to try and listen to what God might be telling me.

So I prayed some. But I did most of the talking and not enough listening. It's like I kind of forgot how to listen. So I tried to quiet my brain and just see if I could hear God saying anything. I honestly can't tell you what I heard. I don't know if I was even listening that well. Or if God even spoke. I imagined things I wished He would tell me, but I don't know if I made those up or if it was really Him.

But I am sure of one thing, time will tell. You can always look back and see God's hand in your life even if you don't see what He's doing right now.

I got into town safe and sound, texted Prince Charming and my friend (let's call her Missile) to let them know, and headed directly home whereupon I received a giant Mom-hug. Mom-hugs are some of the best hugs a girl can get. Dad-hugs are just as good, to be sure.

And since I've been home I haven't really cried once. Although I thought about Prince a lot while we were watching 27 Dresses. I suppose it will be a while before I can watch a chick-flick rom-com without thinking of my cuddly past.

I'll head back to Moscow sometime tomorrow, but I wish I could stay here for at least week. Too bad nasty school gets in the way of those plans...

You Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone

It's been two days since I called it quits with my used-to-be-charming Prince. We're still working through our issues. Talking it out over instant message and text. It's a process - and that's what sucks.

But I only cried today when I actually saw him. And it wasn't until he held me in his arms that I let a few tears fall. I am going to miss him terribly. My heart hurts. It's such a weird feeling to have all of this history built up with someone and then for it to just be gone... I don't know how to handle it. So I try not to think about it. But inevitably something will remind me of the relationship, and I'm back to feeling down again.

I was doing fine before I had to see him. I put on a brave faced and marched out to our expected meeting place for the exchange of our various items. I had some of his ps3 games, and he had my Little Big Plant 2 book ends. We handed each other our respective plastic bags of stuff and stared awkwardly at one another for a few seconds.

He asked if I would like a hug and I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to say yes. I suspect he needed a hug, and he placed his arms around me, and that's when I couldn't hold it in any longer. It wasn't a huge cry, it wasn't full of loud agonizing sobs, it was just little, soft whimpers and my shoulders moved up and down.

Being the caring person that he can be, Prince just held me tighter and stroked his hands up and down my back to comfort me. And then he pressed his index, pinky finger and thumb into my back in and "I love you" pattern to symbolize that phrase. It's a thing we've done basically since our relationship started. It's a simple non verbal reminder of how much we care(d) about each other.

It surprised me, a little bit, that he chose that moment to let me know. The whole reason I called it off was because it felt like he no longer loved me anymore. I mean, he certainly hadn't been showing me he loved me. He had been distant, and sometimes mean.

I stepped back and looked at him, confused. Radically perplexed. And I said "That's not true..." And I shook my head. But I didn't mean that it wasn't true. Because I think, honestly, that it is true. I think he does love me, but I think he forgot to show it. And then it didn't feel like love, and it grew into something else. But then this sudden jolt, this smash back into reality made him see what I've been wanting him to see for a while now.

Or else, I don't know what to think.

When I told my friend about the incident and how I reacted and how it made me feel, she told me that she thinks boys just sometimes forget. People don't really realize what they have until it's gone.

I was talking to my dad today via text messages, and I told him that I'm not planning on getting back together with Prince Charming, but that I'm not writing it off completely. However, it will be a while before I jump back into anything with him. We both need this time to grow and listen to God.

Maybe God will have someone "better" for me. Someone more perfect, that I can't even fathom. Or maybe God will turn Prince Charming into that guy in the future. Who really knows? But what I can tell you is that I do still love Prince, and I think some part of me always will depending on how this part of my life plays out.

I have been listening to this song on repeat today:



Here are the lyrics:

The End Of Something Beautiful

Two years is a long time to be together with someone. It's a lot of memories. A lot of shared happiness. A lot of Red Robin Burgers. Bonzai burgers are my favorite.

You know, I have been mostly happy these last two years. Most of the time was filled with smiles and goofy faces. We loved to laugh. And I loved to watch him smile. I loved his laugh when it came from his belly when something was especially funny.

Prince Charming was my first of the real boyfriends. For a long time I thought he would be my only. For a long time I thought that. He used to ask me to marry him, you know. I remember the fourth of July, laying side by side on my front lawn, he whispered it into my ear. And I just wish I could have stayed there forever.

I remember crying when I found out my grandpa died, and Prince burst back into the room and scooped me up valiantly into his arms.

He was such a good boyfriend.

And then something changed. We changed. Time changed. Thing haven't been what they were in that starry eyed beginning, and that's to say that things never are the same as in the beginning. There's just something special about a new relationship. A new adventure.

We passed the two year mark after almost not making it back in November. But things were never the same. During Christmas break my Prince Charming was the most Charming he'd been in a long time, and then we got back to Moscow for school, and Moscow is a big vat of suck.

Prince wouldn't tell me he loved me. I had to argue with him over a simple goodbye kiss, because he just didn't want to do it. I didn't understand. I was trying to be a good girlfriend, but it was continually getting harder and harder.

And today, today I confronted him. My heart was racing. I didn't go into the conversation with the intent to end the relationship, but Prince Charming has told me things and not told me things that you should never or should always tell your girlfriend.

And also, I felt in second place a lot lately to other girls in his life. I don't think I should feel that way.

But also until this evening I had felt there was some semblance of hope lurking on the horizon. Maybe we could make this work. Maybe it wasn't as bad as it really might be. I tended to downplay a lot of what happened, a lot of how I was feeling these past few weeks. Mostly because when I thought there was hope, I didn't want things to sound worse than they really were.

And then Prince said something that he can't take back. When I asked him why he didn't kiss me anymore, he told me it was because he didn't enjoy it. And that right there was the straw that broke the camel's back. How can you be in a relationship with someone you don't enjoy being around?

That just hurt. That hurt so deep that I just ended the relationship on the spot. It was over. I was done. I am not going to be in a romantic relationship with someone who does not enjoy kissing me, holding me, hugging me or telling me he loves me. That's not fair to me. I deserve someone who will make me feel like I am first place. Who will text me "Good night. I love you" instead of just "Night"

I want someone who loves me too.

I'm not mad at Prince Charming - even though I am extremely heartbroken. Extremely. I feel like he did a lot of things wrong, but I don't feel like I am perfect either. I think maybe we could possibly potentially be friends in the future, but I need some time to grieve for my lost relationship before I let him back into my everyday life. And also, I want him to make the first move towards that because I'm done pushing for a relationship.

I know Prince cares. I know that because he was upset when I called it off. He cried. But the problem is that that's the first real emotion I've seen from him in a while. And that's not okay.

Will we get back together? I don't feel like that's likely right now. I'm not holding my breath like last time waiting for this to all be over so I could have my boyfriend back. I'm upset. I'm frustrated at how I was treated. But I will be okay.

Eventually.

It's Time For Bed

I am super duper beyond tired. I'm so tired, that I'm not tired, do you know what I mean? And, plus, as an added bonus, my feet are killing me. Slow, painful death. I need those things that rub your feet because Prince-y won't always do that. And I don't expect him to.

This past week was really rough though, and tomorrow is Monday and I don't want Monday to come. Which is why I'm still up. Because I don't want it to be tomorrow. Even though I'm exhausted.

This semester is going to be the death of me. Of my feet. Of my bank account. Of my sanity. I promise you, I will want to pull out all my hair before spring break even peaks it's ugly little taunting head around the corner. I will throw my shoe at it. And cross my fingers that it gets hurt.

I don't really want to be here, you know, in Moscow. Anymore. I'm almost counting down days until I get to move back to Coeur d'Alene. I'm at least counting down semesters. Three. Including this one. Hopefully. I'm nervous to graduate you know, and get out into the 'real world' and not have to be a student every day of my life anymore. I'm nervous because I don't really know what will happen. But also excited because it will be something different.

I wonder what will my life be like. Will I even be with Princey then? Will we even be friends? Things have been rough and then better and then rough and then a lot better and then kind of rough again, but really only rough when we're in Moscow (and in the case of last summer, camp too) but I think it stems from all the stress and ugliness that is held here. And I can't wait to get away from it.

I've thought about transferring schools, but I really honestly think I will graduate faster if I just stay at the school I'm currently enrolled in. Which is mildly depressing, but whatever. We don't always get what we want.

But I was scrolling through my blog posts from 2008 and 2009 and I really kind of wish I was back there. 2009 anyway. The second half. Life was good. I didn't hate near as many things as I hate now. And that was back when Prince Charming liked to tell me he loved me every day. Now I maybe hear it once or twice a week. What's up with that?

You know though, I have discovered something, that for all our stresses and minor petty arguments, what we've really just lost sight of is making God the center of our relationship. And I think if we can figure out how to get more focused on Him, then things for us will improve immensely, you know? It's not like we've completely forgotten about Him, we've just put him on the back burner, which is so not okay.

We need to find a church in Moscow. Like, really, really badly.