Growing Up

Why do we love people so much?

How can it be that the feeling of someone's arms around you sends your heart racing?

A kiss lurches your stomach in a really interesting and good way.

And how come it takes so long to move on from that person?

Why do you have to move on at all?

You planned your future with this person, but then things change, and they change and you find yourself in a situation where you have to say good bye.

Why does that hurt so incredibly much?

How can you be so mad at someone, and still want to be with them?

Except really there's nothing you can do to change their mind once it's made up, and you just have to let them go.

You're scared to let go too quick, because what if they come back to you? And someone else comes along, but you just can't do it yet. You're not ready.

He touches you, and all you want is for him to let go, because it's just weird and uncomfortable. All you want is that other person back.

I'm not holding my breath waiting. I'm holding up fine, do you believe me?

Most days I'm happy and busy and I can laugh, you know. I'm not afraid to have fun without him. I have my own life now. And he has his.

We have fun together, even now, even though we are "just friends."

But I still love his hugs. I still love his smile.

Except, you know, it's a brand new day today. And I'm going to be okay.

I have lots more good days than I do bad ones, but I feel like I'm still allowed to have bad days. I'm still allowed to miss him more than words can say. I still cry sometimes, you know? I still get upset when I think what was and what we had planned, and how we were.

I think he got too stressed out. About everything. And even though I tried, I don't think I helped him relax at all.

Not dating is something that is good for us, and I hate to admit it, but it's probably one of the best decisions I made.

I hurt and I ache and I feel. But I feel human, do you even know what that's like? I don't feel like I have to be anything for him anymore. I don't feel like I have to keep stuff in check just so that I don't piss him off anymore. I'm free to be myself, and I love being myself!

I do what I want, when I want, and I don't have to report to him. I go places and do things and buy stuff. I go out to eat. With my friends. With my friends!!

I had to fall down to build myself back up. You have to be broken before you can be fixed. And I am so broken.

Do you ever notice how after you cry, you feel a lot better? Especially if you're crying while you're writing, and then once you write through everything, it's like this weight just gets lifted off of you?

I have to write through my feelings, I have to put them out there, wear my heart on my sleeve or I am never going to feel better. I will never get over this.

I have to tell you that I don't want to move on! I don't want to date someone else for a very long time. I wanted to marry Prince Charming someday, I really did. And for a while, he wanted that too. And now, now I don't know what he wants. I don't need to know what he wants.

I don't want him to date anyone but me. I want to be his only girl for a long time. It would kill me if he started to see someone else. Partly that is because he has more of me than any other person, he knows me better than anyone else. The thought of finding someone else to do that scares me.

He was jerk the last couple of weeks we were together. And he was a jerk this summer too. Things got better the last part of the first semester, and things were great through Christmas break, but he did not treat me like he loved me when we started school back up in January.

But he's changed since we broke up. He's not a jerk anymore. He's back to being that guy that I liked so much, but we can't be together anymore. Because he is that guy, and he also isn't. I'm that girl, and also I'm not.

We met at ages 18 and 19, and now we are 20 and 21. We changed a lot, and we still have changing to do. And even though I miss him and I miss everything we once had, I'm learning to live my life without him.

I still talk to him, a lot. Probably more than I should, but he does have this way of making me feel better.

He told me not to wait for him. He told me he might not come back. It hurts to hear that from him. I want to hear that he loves me and just needs time to be himself, but actually hearing that is going to help me move forward.

Heartbreak is never easy. Separation is always difficult.

But at the end of the day, I know I'm going to be alright. I have lots of people who do love me and care about me and will always be there for me no matter what. And even though I wish with all my heart that he could be one of those people too, only time will tell.

On The Rise

Do you know what I have been doing lately? Because I have been busy. Busy buying things, making things, rearranging things... it's crazy, really. I woke up this morning around 9 o'clock, decided that was too early and that my time would be better spent dreaming.

Unfortunately, I had a not so happy dream about this boy and me, and we were falling in love and then all of a sudden this girl shows up out of nowhere and unknowingly steals this one boy's affection. It was terrible. But then I made friends with the girl and we got over it and left the boy behind. It was one of my weirder dreams.

And then I woke up again at 11:30. I figured I should start some laundry, and while I was doing that I rearranged some more of my room and I made some kick butt guacamole.

You see, I was inspired the other day. And when I get inspired, no one knows what will happen. But I have to tell you, I pulled out a bunch of stuff out from under my bed, moved it all around, consolidated, threw a lot of unnecessary rubbish in the trash can, and felt a lot better about myself.

Then I moved to my closet, and pulled a lot of junk out of there, too. And then I move a bunch of stuff around to make room for other stuff so that my poor little corner of the world wouldn't be so cluttered. I put a lot of my painting stuff in my closet so that it wasn't taking up valuable floor space.

I wiped stuff off, I cleaned stuff up, and then I looked at my walls. And then I thought to myself, why stop with drawers and closets? So I rearranged the wall too.

And here's what it looks like now. And yes, that's all my artwork. I have so many prints from last semester it's insane. This isn't even a quarter of them.

And then I vacuumed.

So anyway, after I did laundry today I rearranged some drawers some more because I am a crazy freak and moved a few clothes into my suitcase so that I had more drawer space for the clothes I actually wear. And then I took out the trash cans and I went to the gym and I ate some of my guacamole.

I am feeling a lot better lately. I feel more like myself. Like my old self. I'm weird and crazy and little bit rebellious. If you tell me not to do something, depending on what it is I might just do it anyway. I'm sassy and a smart alec. I'm happy. I'm confident.

I re-read some of my posts from when Prince and I first broke up, and I remember that feeling of intense heartbreak that you can't even put in to words, and then I realized I don't feel that way anymore. Prince and I are bad at being broken up, because we still talk but just not all the time. But even though I still miss him, I feel like I can do this, you know?

It's still a little weird to see him though, because I was in Denny's last night and he showed up as I was leaving and my heart started racing in my chest. I briefly debated sticking around, and decided that I should just go back to my room.

I honestly don't know what the future holds for me and Prince. I don't know if we will eventually get back together or if we will stay apart forever, but I think no matter what happens, as long as I'm just myself I'll be okay.

So now, to end on a happy note, remember how I hate painting? Well, here's the final product:

Life: A Poem

Can we go somewhere
And get away
From everything
Stare at the stars
Cry to the moon
And just talk
About nothing
About everything
The past
The future
The moment
Life.

Can we leave
Together
And let everything fade away
To the distance
And quit worrying
About everybody else
For now
For forever
The past
The future
The moment
Life.

Can I take your hand in mine
And pull you away
From everything that makes you crazy
And just let you be
A person
For once
For now
For forever
The past
The future
The moment
Life.

Let's get in the car
And take a drive
With the windows down
And the music up
And be young
And in love
For one night
For now
For forever
The past
The future
The moment
Life.

25 Dollars Isn't Worth Coming Home To Nothing

Tonight is one of those nights where I just want to lay in a heap and cry for a little bit, and then when I'm done crying I'd just like someone to hold me and rub my feet while I whimper pathetically.

You see, today I worked a seven hour closing shift by myself.

BY MYSELF!!

It was so lonely, and busy, and my feet ache to depths of all that my feet know how to ache to. And when my feet feel like this, I am so used to coming home to Prince Charming and having him rub them for me even though he hates it, but he loved me enough to do it even before I had a chance to shower. He was so nice.

And now, now I have to go home to nothing. No one who will hold me and love me and just let me cry to them about how much I didn't like working seven hours by myself even though I made 25 dollars in tips tonight because I didn't have to share. But seriously, 25 dollars doesn't really make up for the achey feet and the loneliness and the part where no body holds me.

I'd rather have someone to love me than 25 dollars.

And here is where I want to whine and mope and cry about how I have no Prince Charming to come to my rescue anymore. I never wanted to be one of those girls that saved themselves, I mean, I'll do it if I have to, but I never want to. You know?

I always wanted to be Cinderella or Snow White and have some dashing Prince come and save me and just love on me forever and ever amen. I don't see myself facing life alone and doing every myself. It's nice to have company, it's nice to have someone who will always have your back, someone who will be there for you through thick and thin.

And I had that.

And now I don't.

This is the part where you say "But Natalie, you have to throw yourself into Jesus because He is always there for you!"

And this is the part where I tell you "I know!"

But even though I have to let God work through this in my life, someone explain that to my feet.

Wrong Baby, Wrong Baby, Wrong

To be completely honest, I really don't know what to write about. I haven't really done much worth mentioning. 

I got my hair cut a little over a week ago. 

And then the next night I went out to dinner with some girl friends.

And today, I've been hanging out in my room watching MTV reality shows online to pass the time.

I've been eating macaroni and cheese. And I want some guacamole. 

I'm down to 145 lbs, which I haven't been since senior year of high school. 

I found new music, and made a new playlist for my iPod. I went through the music that I didn't associate with Prince Charming, and I forgot how much good stuff I had! 

I started working out with a relatively new friend, and I love, love, love it. 

I'm still figuring out how to move on. I still have days where I'm miserable, but I have good days too. I guess it's all part of the process.

I miss a lot of things with Prince Charming. And I keep telling myself that this time apart from him is good for me. For him. For us. But that doesn't really make me like it anymore. I know that this is just a storm in my life, and I have to let God work.

I keep praying that God will help change my mentality towards this situation, to allow for Him to use it to help me grow, and I also pray that He is working in Prince's life. I don't know if we'll be apart from each other forever, but I know that as of right now that's something that I don't want.

I don't want to jump right back into a relationship with Prince, but at the same time I find that it's really difficult to move on. My dad doesn't want me to wallow. He was ready to come down and have a heart to heart the week after when I was still feeling crummy.

I'm not going to be over it in a week.

I really don't think I'll honestly ever be completely over it.

But someday I might feel better about it.

I just don't know. I mean, this is one of the toughest things I've gone through in life, and it used to be that when I went through tough times I had my parents around me, and then when I didn't have them anymore I had Prince. And right, I have neither. Well, I have my parents, but I don't have someone to hold me when I get upset. I have to learn to be a big girl and stand on my own two feet and help myself and rely on Jesus more than anything.

It's a period of growth for me.

But I don't think that means that maybe someday in the future Prince won't be the right guy for me. Both times we have been separated, I have been miserable. I never feel like I'm better off without him. I know Prince has said things and done things that he shouldn't have, and I know we both have a lot of growing up to do, but I think maybe someday we can make it work.

At least, I hope maybe someday we can make it work.

But as of right now I have to put it in God's hands, and I have to trust Him because He knows what's best for me. Even though right now I can't see it, and I certainly don't feel like there is anyone out there that can ever take the place of Prince, I have to figure out how to learn to relax. I have to learn to take it one day at a time. My feelings right now might not be my feelings in a month, but only time will tell.

I actually listened to the words of this song for the first time today, and I really appreciated the message, even though I don't think Prince is long gone...

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

Today was difficult. So was yesterday. This weekend was fine. I was busy, I was hanging out with friends, I got all dressed up for a night on the town with the girls. All that stuff kept my mind going.

I feel like during the school week is when it's most difficult. I just want to talk to him and be next to him. I want to know if he misses me, but truthfully no one knows and I'm scared to ask him. My worst fear is that he'll start dating someone else.

I know a few of you just rolled your eyes and mentally willed me to put on my big girl panties and quit caring, but regardless of what you think a couple weeks is not enough time for me to quit caring about someone that I really never thought I would ever be apart from.

My heart just hurts. Some days more than others, and while I am trying to focus on not making him the center of my life anymore sometimes that means I have to chant to myself that I don't need him over and over again on my way to class. And then it just gets thrown into the bucket when I see a mutual friend. A flood tide of emotions just overwhelms me.

I wish I could just take a week off. No school, no work, nothing, and just leave this place. Or if I could sit down and talk to Prince face to face and get everything out of my system. But I just can't do either of those things. Prince doesn't want to see me for a month. Fine. I will try to respect his wishes. But let the record show that I am a happier person when we are together.

And what I really honestly need to just figure out is how to be happy without him. Because I don't know yet how to do that. When I'm busy and with friends my mind doesn't dwell on him. But the second I'm back in my dorm room, well, all bets are off.

At this point, instead of talking to Prince Charming when I miss him I've converted a notebook and just write him letters there. I haven't decided if it's helping me or hurting me yet. I think helping, because then I don't talk to him and I have a place where I can just write how I feel without be judged or worrying about spelling or grammar or tear stains.

But, as much as I wish I could go back in the past and undo what was done, I have to find some way to move on and move past this. I just can't honestly imagine feeling the same way about someone else as I do for Prince. Whether he realizes it or not, I really do still love him and I wish with all my heart that he still loved me too.

Taking Back My Life

Today I cleaned my room. I haven't done much of anything for a little over a week besides moping around forlornly and weeping before bed. I have been miserable. Yesterday was a little better on the misery scale, but then I was talking to my cousin, and after not crying all day I sobbed a little bit while I was washing dishes at work.

But she helped me see some things. She talked to me about her past breakups and told me how she had felt which matched exactly perfectly to how I am feeling. Even though I cried, after our conversation I felt a lot better.

And then I posted on facebook about how I briefly considered switching schools, and Missile's boyfriend talked to me for probably an hour about it. He has been talking with Prince too, and while we didn't dwell on Prince, some of the things that he told me made me feel a lot better about this whole situation.

I'm focused too much on Prince Charming. Entirely too much. I would just sit and worry that he's moved on. That he's forgotten. I was letting that drag me down, unable to forget about him in everything that I do. I've been with him so long, he's really all I know. It's hard to picture my life without him, but right now what I need to be doing is focusing on myself.

My cousin suggested that I go out and do something for me. I think one of my aunts suggested that too. So today I went and got my hair cut. It's shorter than I usually go, but it was good. It was a good feeling. Like starting over. It was like removing that extra hair also helped me remove that person who I was when I was with Prince so that now I can figure out who I am.

I was just repeatedly beating myself up for what happened. I didn't want it to happen, and I kept wishing that I could change it. I still kind of wish that I could, but I know that I can't. I don't have to forget about Prince Charming, I don't have to leave him in the dust, but I do need to quit making him the center of everything because he isn't anymore. I am. I am the center because it's my life.

I googled churches in Moscow, and I think I found one that I am going to on Sunday. It's an Assemblies of God church, and they not only meet on Sunday mornings, but there is a college youth group that meets on campus every Wednesday. I want to go and see if there are any small groups to get plugged into, because I think that would help tremendously.

And tonight, I am getting dressed up and going out with the girls. That should help take my mind off of things too, so that I can allow myself to move forward with my life. I don't regret spending this last week in agony though, because I think I needed it. I think I just needed to take some time and grieve for all of the things I lost when I walked out of the door, for all of the things that I wished I had when I was in the relationship and never got, and for all of the good things that I did have with Prince.

But now, now it is definitely time to pick up the pieces and step forward. I don't think everyday is going to be happy, happy, happy, but I've got to start somewhere, and I pick today.

Wednesdays Are Too Hard To Comprehend

I hid Prince Charming from my facebook updates. I moved some pictures into a different folder and hid it. I don't know how to move on. I don't even know if I want to move on. I don't want Prince to move on. My problem is that I want to move backwards instead of forwards.

Memories just come flooding back from when it was fun. When we were so happy. You know, I always thought that I would marry him. I thought that, legitimately, we would always be together. Our relationship started out so strong, and so great. My mind keeps wandering back to that place. I've been wearing the sweatshirt he gave two Christmases ago all day today because I had a "surprise" art history test, my least favorite field trip day teaching, and TOM came to visit and I just, I wished for the billionth time that I could just go crawl into Prince's arms and pretend that everything was really okay.

And then I saw him while I was walking back to my dorm room, and then he texted me because he's a rule breaker. And then I just wanted to die.

Okay, that's a little over dramatic, but seriously I don't want to be here. I want to run away or something where I don't have everyday reminders of what's going on. He deleted pictures off of facebook. He's doing what he has to to move on. And that hurts, because I feel like he is erasing me from his life.

I don't want to be erased. Or forgotten.

I don't want to forget about all the plans we made for the future. All the animals we talked about having. The life we wanted to live, together.

You know, I can't even play Plants vs. Zombies on my iPhone anymore, because that's what I used to play when I would go hang out with Prince Charming while he was playing video games on the PS3.

I can't believe it's so over. I can't believe that I actually have to figure out how to move on. There's nobody else I want to date. There's no body else. At all. And I don't want there to be anyone else for him. Maybe that's selfish, but that's totally how I feel right now. I feel like we are just throwing away everything that we had by moving on, and I can't throw it away. I can't do it yet.

I don't know when I will be ready to do that, but right now it's just too soon. I mean, I cry when I see him. When I think about him. When I wake up after dreaming about him. I need to get out of here. Get out of this place. Go away. Would that help?

I have no motivation to go to school. I just do it because I have to. I have no motivation to go work. I just go because I can't afford to be broke. The only reason I go hang out with friends is so that I'm not crying alone in my room because I know that's bad for me even though it's all I really want to do right now.

How do you make these memories go away? Prince did a lot of things in our relationship that he shouldn't have, but I'm still so hung up on him that moving on is practically impossible right now.

I haven't cleaned my room in a week.

I only shower when absolutely necessary.

I don't eat very much, only when my stomach absolutely demands it.

I wake up with stomach aches. And I cry myself to sleep.

All because I refuse to let go and move on. I don't know how much longer I will allow myself to be miserable, but at this point, I feel like being happy is cheating because I still miss him in everything that I do.

Tonight I am going out with a friend to the photography club here on campus. I don't really know what to expect, other than it will be fun. Maybe I will meet new people. Maybe I will have a good time. And then I will hang out with the King of Fools herself after photography club is over.

Today has been super difficult. I wish February was over already. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Dreamy

Lets talk about dreams. Because I have had a dream about Prince Charming ever since we broke up. I don't usually dream about him. While we were still dating, sometimes he would be in my dreams, sometimes he wouldn't. Rarely I would have a dream that was about him, but they did happen.

But people! Every night!

I close my eyes and drift away and there he is. Being perfect and lovely and wonderful. And then, I wake up and this cold reality hits me like a smack to the face.

Let's back up a second.

I believe that dreams can be a powerful tool. I think that dreams can tell you things, that there can be a real merit to something that you dream about. That's not to say that I think each and ever dream is something that is very special and unique and prophetic, because I don't think that all dreams are.

But, have you ever had a dream that came true?

When I was in middle school my family decided to buy the house we were currently renting. However, our landlord decided that he didn't want to sell to us and so began our adventure of finding a new home.

One night I had a dream about what our new house would be like. In my dream our house was blue, a light kind of sky blue, with white trim. It had a white front door, and white garage door, and balcony in the back. I dreamed about a big, flat yard with a tree in the corner of the backyard and a tree in the corner of the front yard.

And then I dreamed that mom stood in the backyard, looking towards the house with her hands on her hips. She was talking to my dad and she said "I just don't know" in reference to whether or not they were going to buy the house.

I told my dad about the dream I had, and he told me that they had looked at a house that fit the description of the one in my dream.

We ended up moving there. And my mom actually really did stand in the backyard with her hands on her hips and said "I just don't know."

So then, I wonder, will my other dreams come true? What of these dreams about Prince Charming I have? Do they mean anything? Or am I just wishing?

I wish I knew the answer. I wish sometimes that I could just stay in my dream and not wake up. I wish that a lot, actually.

Surprise Trip Home

I made a quick trip home today. You see, I was up late last night because even though my eyeballs were tired, my brain most certainly was not. My mind was going a million miles an hour, so to quiet it down I watched Teen Mom season 2 online episode after episode after episode until my laptop turned itself off because it over heated. I whimpered a little bit, and then decided it was probably God telling me I should just go to bed.

And then I woke up at 9:30. I was the only one awake, and consequently decided to indulge myself in more Teen Mom while I waited for other people's eyes to open and greet the day. It was 12:30 before anyone texted me, and then I was having a conversation with Prince Charming which was just making me all sorts of upset and sad so I texted my mom.

"I want to come home :("

And she said "Then do it! ;)"

So I did.

I had to get out of Moscow. Everything there just reminds me of him. And based on some things that he's said to me these past couple of feeling-exploration-adventure days where you admit in all honesty how you are feeling to try and work through some of these crazy emotions, I was just missing him too terribly much to bear to go through a day where I shouldn't see him. Where I couldn't see him.

It would just be easier if I could continue my schooling here at home, but none of my classes are online and therefore I must physically be present on campus to get stuff done for school. Major bummer at the moment.

But teary eyed and heaving sighs, I packed up my duffel bag and walked to my car. Whether or not it was the right move, Prince came out and hugged me good bye and told me to drive safe, and also to let him know when I was home so that he would know I was alive.

And then I left.

The drive from school to home is roughly two hours. I cranked up my Imperials music and cried for the first half of the drive. Big heaving sobs. I just had to let it all out, and being alone in my car without anyone else to feel obligated to hug me or give words of encouragement was actually something that I desperately needed.

After I finished crying my eyeballs out, I sang along with some of the songs and thought a lot about how this whole ordeal is really making me feel. It occurred to me that I didn't want to let Prince Charming go, and that last time I had these same feelings.

Which leads me to believe that maybe we aren't meant to be a part? But then I was also thinking, that it's not even been a whole week yet. I need to seriously give it time before I go jumping to conclusions. And also, I hadn't even slowed down enough to try and listen to what God might be telling me.

So I prayed some. But I did most of the talking and not enough listening. It's like I kind of forgot how to listen. So I tried to quiet my brain and just see if I could hear God saying anything. I honestly can't tell you what I heard. I don't know if I was even listening that well. Or if God even spoke. I imagined things I wished He would tell me, but I don't know if I made those up or if it was really Him.

But I am sure of one thing, time will tell. You can always look back and see God's hand in your life even if you don't see what He's doing right now.

I got into town safe and sound, texted Prince Charming and my friend (let's call her Missile) to let them know, and headed directly home whereupon I received a giant Mom-hug. Mom-hugs are some of the best hugs a girl can get. Dad-hugs are just as good, to be sure.

And since I've been home I haven't really cried once. Although I thought about Prince a lot while we were watching 27 Dresses. I suppose it will be a while before I can watch a chick-flick rom-com without thinking of my cuddly past.

I'll head back to Moscow sometime tomorrow, but I wish I could stay here for at least week. Too bad nasty school gets in the way of those plans...

It's Time For Bed

I am super duper beyond tired. I'm so tired, that I'm not tired, do you know what I mean? And, plus, as an added bonus, my feet are killing me. Slow, painful death. I need those things that rub your feet because Prince-y won't always do that. And I don't expect him to.

This past week was really rough though, and tomorrow is Monday and I don't want Monday to come. Which is why I'm still up. Because I don't want it to be tomorrow. Even though I'm exhausted.

This semester is going to be the death of me. Of my feet. Of my bank account. Of my sanity. I promise you, I will want to pull out all my hair before spring break even peaks it's ugly little taunting head around the corner. I will throw my shoe at it. And cross my fingers that it gets hurt.

I don't really want to be here, you know, in Moscow. Anymore. I'm almost counting down days until I get to move back to Coeur d'Alene. I'm at least counting down semesters. Three. Including this one. Hopefully. I'm nervous to graduate you know, and get out into the 'real world' and not have to be a student every day of my life anymore. I'm nervous because I don't really know what will happen. But also excited because it will be something different.

I wonder what will my life be like. Will I even be with Princey then? Will we even be friends? Things have been rough and then better and then rough and then a lot better and then kind of rough again, but really only rough when we're in Moscow (and in the case of last summer, camp too) but I think it stems from all the stress and ugliness that is held here. And I can't wait to get away from it.

I've thought about transferring schools, but I really honestly think I will graduate faster if I just stay at the school I'm currently enrolled in. Which is mildly depressing, but whatever. We don't always get what we want.

But I was scrolling through my blog posts from 2008 and 2009 and I really kind of wish I was back there. 2009 anyway. The second half. Life was good. I didn't hate near as many things as I hate now. And that was back when Prince Charming liked to tell me he loved me every day. Now I maybe hear it once or twice a week. What's up with that?

You know though, I have discovered something, that for all our stresses and minor petty arguments, what we've really just lost sight of is making God the center of our relationship. And I think if we can figure out how to get more focused on Him, then things for us will improve immensely, you know? It's not like we've completely forgotten about Him, we've just put him on the back burner, which is so not okay.

We need to find a church in Moscow. Like, really, really badly.